The time has come. Seeing two pink lines, two beating hearts, and hearing two very hard diagnoses all feel like they happened a lifetime ago. Or yesterday. It’s hard to explain how time passes when you’re living in a vacuum of worry.
The boys will be here tomorrow. TOMORROW. All the wondering, the hoping, the praying, the pleading will take a different form. Or maybe it won’t. I suspect come Wednesday, next week, and October we’ll be wondering, hoping, praying and pleading as well. But we’ll be doing it with a hopeful eye on these precious boys rather than on a growing belly.
Justin and I have talked quite a bit about most likely scenarios, what we think will happen, how things will go, etc. We have a feeling tomorrow will be surprisingly routine. That the boys will have some basic breathing and feeding goals, as could any newborn 34 week baby. And that key early concerns will be over their lateral ventricle measurements, and whether or not a shunt is necessary now…or just something to keep an eye on for later. We also suspect that while it will be so great to have them here, that we will still be on hold as to how much they are impacted by things. It will take a few days to get a good MRI and reading. Still more days to get full assessments on the boys. It could take weeks to get back all of the blood work that might help us hone in on a specific cause or syndrome. And it might even take months to see true delays start showing up. To learn whether or not their brains will be overtaken by seizures. To determine whether their situations are so severe that one day, far too soon, they will leave us.
Regardless of how unknown this journey remains, we are ready. Ready to continue on it hand in hand with them.
So what does one do the night before your life changes forever?
At a minimum, I’m about to become the mom to 3 boys. That in itself is life changing, as I’m sure any mom to 3 kids will attest.
And we’re either going to witness a miracle, or take part in a lifelong fight.
Either way, it is safe to say, this household will never be the same again.
So the answer to what we do…is eerily familiar to what we’ve done for weeks now. We wonder. We hope. We pray. We plead. And we wait.