I am sad to report that Nolan passed away today. I’ve been wishing I could find more time to write. I’m pained that this is the reason I’ve finally made time.
Nolan has been going downhill for months. A few days ago I packed up for our Labor Day trip to see family with a lump in my throat, and despite extra treatments during the stay, I watched him continue to shut down. As soon as we left the driveway to head back to my home, I broke down in tears to my dad who happened to be driving me and the kids. We both knew Nolan wouldn’t be back to Kentucky.
I cried nearly every moment of the 5 hour journey, knowing that it was time to allow Nolan the chance to let go if that was what he wanted. We arrived in the house, listened to the growing fluid in his lungs that merits a trip to the ER, and made the hardest decision of his life. We decided to stay home.
We decided to let Nolan rest.
We decided to stop fighting.
I’ve prayed for four years that we would know this moment when it arrived. That we would be given more time, yet never choose quantity over quality. In my heart of broken hearts, I knew the time had come.
By a Godly coincidence, my parents were already there as they had followed me home and planned to stay a couple of days.
Justin called his parents who started their 12 hour drive.
We FaceTimed Nolan’s cousin/guardian, Winston, so he could read Nolan that book we never had time for over the weekend.
Karson came in and read a book to him, and kissed him goodnight.
We listened to a cd made by our Findlay Ohio friends.
Justin read scripture.
I slept between the twins and held Nolan all night. I couldn’t sleep so I looked at pictures.
At sunup, we called our Doctor to discuss our plan, and received his support.
As morning arrived, so did Justin’s parents after driving through the night. Now all four grandparents had held Nolan.
Our pastor came to pray.
And I knew it was getting close.
Justin and I had time alone with Nolan and said what was on our hearts. For the first time, we prayed for less time instead of more. For a quick and peaceful passing.
I held Nolan close, and with my parents standing by, he breathed his last breath in my arms. I heard his last heartbeat. His heart started beating in my body over four years ago, and it stopped in my arms today.
Now I have a Nolan sized hole in my heart, that nothing can completely fill.
I am thankful for the way that things happened. It happened at home in my arms. He was calm and pain-free. And barring the obvious that I wish he didn’t have to go through this in the first place, I’m not sure what else I could ask for.
I’ll leave you with a song from that cd that over the years has brought me to my knees, brought me to tears, and brought me to my feet again.
I don’t know why God didn’t move these mountains, yet here we are on the other side. We just took a harder, more blessed path. But we are making it to the other side. And Nolan is flying high.