“See you Tuesday”

Those were the parting words today.  TUESDAY.  6 days.

That might sound sort of far away considering we cried wolf a couple of weeks ago.  But it’s VERY soon.  We are so thankful to have made it this far.  There were multiple points at which we never thought we would see a 33 or 34 week milestone.

On July 23rd we heard termination options, low survival rates, and left feeling like we would be lucky if these boys ever made it to our arms.

Later, after a roller coaster couple of weeks, we hit a new low point and had concern about Nolan’s fight for life.  At that point we were hoping for 31 or 32 weeks.

And quite frankly, complications aside, if you had told me in January that we would get pregnant right away…with natural twins no less…I would have thought you were crazy!

But here we are.  33 weeks along with identical twin boys.  Ready to meet them in less than a week.

Today’s appointment went well.  They had both grown again.  Estimated weights were around 4 lb 10 oz and 4 lb.  There’s obviously some margin of error there, but I’m thrilled at those weights, and for some reason, 4 lb sounds so much less fragile than 3 lb 15 oz.

I’ve had some activity in the last few days that had me concerned about early labor signs.  They checked and I’ve dilated 1 cm and am around 50% effaced.  Not enough to keep me there.  So once again we got to return home and spend a few more days as a family of 3.  And I’ll continue to rest.

I started a second round of steroid injections today.  So between the two I’m hoping we’ll give both boys a leg up (lung up?) on breathing ability.

We had some more conversations about what could happen, how things might go, reasonable expectations, etc.  But we don’t really LEARN anything about OUR boys in those conversations.  Our Doctor does not have a crystal ball any more than we do.   So as much as we try to imagine and predict…we must wait.

…And see them Tuesday.  TUESDAY.  6 days.

I had a checkup today at the local OB.  As usual…everything is going great.  Except for the whole “your babies’ brains didn’t develop correctly and their quality of life and life expectancy are unknown” part.  Blood pressure, sugar, protein, etc…all good.   My amniotic fluid is still on the high end, but it has remained fairly steady.  My fundal height today was 45 cm.   (Otherwise known as huge.)  🙂 Hopefully that, combined with the spider web of recent stretch marks are signs that these boys are growing.

The bigger takeaway for me happened in the waiting room.  A young male, who I’m assuming recently found out he is about to be a first time dad, entered the waiting room from the ultrasound area and said “boy, that’s like the grossest thing, huh?”   I didn’t respond.  He went on in to the bathroom.

I’m not sure why, but I teared up.    I think if I had been at home, alone, I could have had a private breakdown, but instead, I dried it up and went back to playing Bejeweled Blitz while awaiting my turn in the ultrasound room.

I’ve spent some time this afternoon thinking.  Not so much about his words.  Let’s face it, there are a lot of parts of pregnancy that ARE gross.  (I hate to tell him…but he hasn’t seen gross yet.)  Nonetheless…I’ve been thinking about the fact that I had a reaction to that at all.

It reminded me of another moment in the pregnancy.  I was perusing the pregnancy boards on BabyCenter as I had been doing on a daily basis, and my eyes landed on the title “one sad mama”.  I clicked on it, prepared to provide comfort for whatever horrible news she was dealing with.  I read on to find out her boyfriend had drank the Mt Dew she had bought for herself as a treat.  There was a long rant, but I stopped reading and haven’t been back to the boards.

Am I jealous?  Am I resentful?

I’ve thought about that a lot and I honestly believe the answer is no.  I’m relieved for others who have nothing to complain about but a missing Mt Dew, or a battle with their mother over baby names.  I smile a little at that soon to be dad today who thought the ultrasound was gross, and he hasn’t even neared the stretch mark, mucus plug, birth, or diaper fail phases yet.  There’s something refreshing about the innocence of not realizing what’s ahead.

Instead, I think in many ways…I’m thankful.

Thankful that despite the emotional roller coaster, God has allowed us to see this pregnancy and these boys as a blessing.

Thankful that we will not take their lives for granted.

Thankful that every chance we get to hear a heartbeat, see an ultrasound, or feel a kick we rejoice a little.

Thankful that because nothing about this has been routine…nothing about this will be forgotten.

Thankful that because of the issues we’ve faced, we’ve learned about the kindness in the world, the comfort of God, and the amazing strength that can be gained from the love and support of others.

Thankful that these boys are OURS.  Even when it gets a little gross.