It’s no secret at this point our family has been through a lot. I often focus on my perspective in writing here, but don’t mistake my “I” language for an inability to recognize that “we” have flat out gone through it! I’ve had such a year (decade?) of reflection and growth. Sometimes by choice, sometimes out of necessity. I’m not here to list resolutions. In my opinion I am always moving…forward or backward…to or from…so 2024 will ebb and flow with goals, ideas, failures and hopefully a few successes just like the last few years. I’d like to do a little better today than I did yesterday, and a little better tomorrow than I did today. When I get that wrong, as I often do, I’ll give myself the grace to try again.
I did, however, want to think about a theme or word for the year. Something that can help me be centered and settled despite that never ending pursuit of “better”. To remind me that while I am confidently and humbly working on self-improvement, I am also “enough”, and loved just as I am. That while I will continue my awkward, numerous, and at times humorous failing pursuits…my life is held in hands far better than my own anyway. A reminder that even when I don’t “got this”, God’s got me.
I’ve chosen Peace.
Peace can imply and mean all sorts of things. For me, in 2024, I believe it means this:
Not at war. (That’s a little dramatic, but hear me out.) Not mid struggle, not fighting, not suiting up for a battle. No wars. Just…in a time of peace.
Seeking a Peace through God that “surpasses understanding”. To be so at peace that it makes no worldly sense.
Allowing that Peace to let me trust more. Trust that His plans are better than mine. That He doesn’t need my help. (Even though I’m a really good helper, God! 🙂 ) That even when I don’t get it – I can trust that it is a good plan, and be at peace with it.
If you know me in person, and catch me at war, not trusting, or flat out waking up and choosing chaos you can remind me of this. 😉
So…Peace be with you, and Lord willing, with me too!
2 Thessalonians 3:16 Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Philippians 4: 6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
In honor of their memory…in memory of their lives…I’ve been rather reflective lately. I’ve spent time reading old posts, looking at old photos, and soaking up the love and grief that still bubbles up so strong and boils over when I allow it. You may assume feelings have receded some by now. They have not. I’ve found they are less frequent, or maybe less dominant, but when I choose to allow the flood in, the feelings are as strong as ever. I actually love the flood of emotions. I treasure that ache and soak up those tears. Once upon a time, Landon and Nolan were mine to hold. The love is strong, as is the grief, and time has not erased it. I take comfort in the reminders, strange though that may sound. If you’ve ever lost someone dear to you, I suspect you can relate.
So much has changed since their birth. Both Landon and Nolan have peacefully passed away in my arms. “K”, as the older brother has grown into the most empathetic young man I’ve ever known. He has experienced tremendous loss, but is still so kind, thoughtful, hopeful, and faithful. A younger sister, “B”, has brought so much joy into our lives and helped heal hearts. This is all despite going through a medical scare of her own during one of our toughest chapters to date. My marriage ended, and now we share a new goal of learning how to be cooperative, supportive, patient coparents who still love these children endlessly. We’ve moved towns twice, houses 3-4 times, changed jobs in there too. I barely recognize the young carefree gal who was typing away pre diagnosis pregnancy updates in July of 2013…before…we knew.
Or rather…before I was reminded how much I do NOT know may be a better way of wording it.
Before the most humbling experience I could ever imagine.
What if I told you that despite all the above, my faith, somehow, has strengthened? That’s the part I want to update you on today. That’s the part I feel compelled to share, at a high level for now.
Romans 8:28 has become a theme verse for me over the years. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.”
What does “for good” mean? Does it mean I get what I want? Does it mean every prayer is answered in the way I requested? No and no.
For those “called according to his purpose”. What does it mean to be called? How could God hold a purpose in something so tragic?
I remember a prayer I said early on with the twins. I meant it then, I meant it now. “Lord, use this, use me, for your good.”
Another phrase that has brought me comfort, isn’t directly a verse, but it’s from a Beth Moore study I was a part of probably 20 years ago. She was speaking of Romans 8:28 and talked about that idea that though we struggle, and question, and fail, and fall completely off track, God, the ultimate writer of our stories, can always make our poem rhyme. That word choice has echoed in my heart ever since.
I have struggled, questioned, failed, and fallen completely off track. But I am also here to tell you that God is making my poem rhyme. I now understand, my story isn’t always about me. God has taken this story and used it to help others, inspire others, and teach others in ways that still amaze me today. The ways in which I’ve observed people stepping up, reaching out, and living out what it means to be God’s hands in the community has shaped me, the kids even, and changed how I outreach and seek to serve others. Sometimes, we were just part of someone else’s story, someone else’s poem. I am honored by that too. For me personally, I’ve prayed not to waste it all, not to become bitter and rigid, but to be malleable into who God would desire me to be. When you bend, you don’t break as easily. But I’ll also add, whether you are bending or already feeling broken, you are poised to be rebuilt.
Your story is not over. Let God work in and through you, let God write your poem. And maybe soon, it will be time for it to rhyme.
On Friday April 30th, we held a visitation and service to honor Landon’s life. We played songs that are a compilation from hand picked lyrics and music coworkers have given us over the years. Favorites include I Trust in You, by Lauren Daigle. The first time I heard that song I was driving on a trip and had to pull over to sob. Then spent the rest of the drive memorizing the lyrics and singing way too loudly. That one reaches me. Another favorite, very special to Karson was Brother Let Me Be Your Shelter.
We played photos and shared some special items that make us smile. It took hours to put the photos together, possibly because I couldn’t stop looking at them over and over. Nearly 8 years of memories. It was a healing process to look at the journey we’ve been on, and so special to see and stare at those two sweet faces together.
Ben Borsay spoke, highlighting scripture from Romans 8:28, as well as Psalms 23. He spoke of a risen savior, and that because Jesus is risen indeed, this life isn’t all there is, and I will someday hold and hear these sweet boys again.
I spoke, and said a tearful version of the following:
1 Corinthians 13 tells us that Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious, or boastful, or arrogant, or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
When I look back on the last 8 years, it would be easy to remember the pain, the sad, the hurt, the fear. But I first and foremost remember the faith, the hope, and the love. I think one key reason for this is Landon has lived his life as the epitome of Biblical love. He has endured all manner of things, enabling us to believe in all things. He was patient and kind. He was a protective big brother to Nolan and in ways that are hard to explain to people who didn’t see it up close, he put Nolan’s needs first. I watched his existence, his open acceptance, and his gentleness teach Isabella about the love of a caretaker, as one of her favorite things to do was to bring him stuffed animals and hold his hand. She and Karson would climb in bed with him, and read books, sing songs, and tell him about their world. When I stand up or am about to change tasks, I almost automatically say “I’ll go check on La La”, to which she replies, “me too”. Isabella, you loved Landon perfectly. I watched Landon teach Karson about putting others first, about the blessing of serving, but also about the blessing of being served as so many within our community, our village have looked out for Karson throughout this journey as well. That has helped shape him in to the most compassionate, empathetic little boy I’ve ever known. For nearly 8 years, Karson has given Landon unconditional love that couldn’t be returned in conventional ways. Love that required him to give, wait, change plans, cancel his own, and give again of himself repeatedly and without expectation. Karson, you loved Landon perfectly.
Landon taught me about Faith over fear, hope rather than resentment, and love above all else. Landon loved perfectly. And he taught me to love him perfectly too.
I’m going to be really honest and tell you that I got stuck here when writing this and couldn’t come up with the right words for three days. I kept thinking if I could figure out what my point was, what I wanted the message to be, I could figure out what to say next and how to tie it together. But I couldn’t find the words.
I was hung up on the earthly ending, but the earthly ending of two children is an unbearable pain, for which there are no right words.
But a heavenly beginning…I can find joy in that. I can find peace in that. The idea of a heavenly beginning is what got me through the pregnancy, knowing that if they never made it to my arms, they would make it to God’s. The idea of a heavenly beginning is what made the 3 and 7 years of life bearable, knowing that their pain would never be permanent, and that something better was ahead. The idea of a heavenly beginning got us through Landon’s last night, because we all kept picturing Nolan greeting him with open arms. The promise of a heavenly beginning will carry me through the rest of my life, because I know I will join them some day.
A heavenly beginning allowed me to live and mother, not out of fear, but out of faith, hope, and with a mission purely of love.
The kind of love that led 1,000’s of people over the years to ask about Landon and Nolan, ask how you can help, or pray for us, sending thoughtful notes, even gifts to a family many had never even met.
The kind of love that led siblings to forego many of their own goals and needs understanding that sometimes, often, they couldn’t come first.
The kind of love that led a cousin, to sit out a trick or treat opportunity, so she could help Landon hand out candy instead.
The kind of love that led a retired nurse, at a day care, to quit her job and re-enter the nursing world and love two little boys beyond measure.
The kind of love that led coworkers to make cd’s, make t-shirts, crochet hats, host fundraisers in honor of birthdays, and pray for our babies as if they were their own.
The kind of love that enabled us to raise and donate over an estimated $25,000 over the years by selling those t-shirts, tacos and bracelets one at a time.
The kind of love that powered a mom through sleepless nights and impossible decisions.
The kind of love that made people show up to help that mom even when she didn’t know how to ask for it.
The kind of love that knew when to fight, and when to let go.
The kind of love that was patient and kind. Did not insist on its own way. Endured all things. And will never end.
I prayed without ceasing nearly 8 years ago that these boys would receive a miracle. That God would change the path, that God would take this away, and make everything good. As I stand here today, I can finally tell you that while God did not take this suffering away in quite the way I had asked, He did miraculously change me. I’ve been saved by His mercy and held in His Grace and lifted by His love. And through your perfect, enduring love over the years, He showed me through you that the world still has so much good.
1 Corinthians 13 also tells us, these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
May the Lord Bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make His face to shine on you and be gracious to you.
May the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
As we hugged, and forced ourselves to walk out, we listened to Fires by Jordan St Cyr as well as We The Kingdom & Tasha Cobbs Leonard – Holy Water. If you’ve never heard them, please give them a listen. If you’re having a hard time or know someone who is, please give them a listen. If you’re on top of the world right now…even then, give them a listen.
We walked out for the balloon release, which considering the wind turned out beautifully. Hugging the kids, we enjoyed the beautiful blues, the comfort of being surrounded by friends and family, and Karson asked if we could go back in one more time, so of course we did.
Mama Laughs 